Sometimes, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. Hunger, war, disease, they'll always be with us, but caring souls will always fight to raise awareness about these issues.

Others, however, have a different idea. These brave types have latched onto other lost causes. Ones that, quite frankly, deserve to be lost. Such as:


#5. Lobster Empathy

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) want to buy a retired Maine jail for two hundred thousand dollars to set up a "Lobster Empathy Center," a place where the plight of scrumptious seafood can be likened to a heavy-handed and inaccurate metaphor.

PETA's rationale was "No building would be more appropriate than a jail to set up an interactive display about how these intriguing animals suffer."

Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.

This lobster is too stupid to realize how ridiculous it looks.

A couple of hints, PETA:

1) These publicity stunts always end up with you looking retarded. Haven't you noticed this?

2) Except the ones that get Naomi Campbell naked, those ones are fine.

3) You may have better luck campaigning on behalf of less delicious animals.

4) Natalie Portman is very popular. Just a thought.

"I want to take my clothes off for lobsters."

Seriously, what could be more pointless than this?


#4. A Bill of Rights for Plants

Oh, right.

In what we can only assume is a brave attempt to starve sanctimonious vegans to death, the Swiss government's "Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology" has issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants, apparently with an eye toward getting it placed into law.

Which means that, as well as making sure your date consents, you now have to ask permission of the roses you bring. Though the document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans [is] morally justified." So if you ever find yourself locked in a life-or-death struggle with a Triffid feel free to fight back without fear of a stern letter with a Swiss postmark.

#3. Livejournal User Rights

Back in March of 2008, Livejournal users rallied to the cry for a boycott of the service because they weren't consulted about some changes to the site. It's true, Facebook doesn't have a monopoly on huge community overreaction to minor changes.

A Google search reveals over fourteen thousand posts about the Livejournal boycott (taking 'lj' and the fact many users can't spell boycott into account) - and while Livejournal claims a population twice that of Switzerland (albeit a much more emo and Naruto-obsessed population than Switzerland could ever dream of), only about a hundred and forty thousand update daily. So this boycott stood to deliver a significant blow. But did it?

Hmmm... you know, we may have spotted the flaw in the cunning plan of posting on Livejournal about a boycott on Livejournal posting. And in true internet fashion, fully half of the strike posts were calling the strikers fags, another quarter were "I support them but won't do it myself," and we're sure at least four entries were slash porn on the subject.

The most serious effects of the strike were summarized by one user, who commented "it was so weird reading some good fanfic but not able to comment."

Changing the world isn't easy, dude.


#2. Negative Portrayal of Snakes in Movies

Hey, remember Snakes on a Plane? The horrible movie/meme combination that dominated geek culture for like an entire year?

Well, allegedly to protest the inaccurate portrayal of snakes in the movie (but more likely because he's always wanted to), Pennsylvanian man Jesse Rothacker covered himself in snakes. Some believe this supports the theory that Pennsylvanians will do literally anything that bears a promise of maybe not being in Pennsylvania anymore, even if that alternative is being inside a snake.

We should point out that Mr. Rothacker runs the "Forgotten Friends Reptile Sanctuary," so maybe the frustration of spending eight hours a day trying to convince people that what their home really needs is a few more snakes drove him to these extremes. Oh, and he's on record protesting that he should be allowed to carry concealed firearms in public parks.

"I just want to be left alone with my snakes and my guns. In a park. At night."

He's right, you know. Compared to a darkened park full of dudes with guns jammed down their pants, a plane full of snakes is probably a pretty fucking safe place to be.


#1. Asperger's Pride Movement

If you don't know what Asperger's is, welcome to the internet!

Asperger's is a real disorder for some, but has turned into a kind of "get out of self-improvement free" card for legions of socially awkward Pokemon fans.

This latter group doesn't care about your "medical credentials," "basic common sense" or even "knowing people who actually do have Aspergers." This syndrome they read about on Wikipedia once is their winning lottery ticket to a life of never having to learn how to interact with other humans. Welcome to the Aspergian Pride movement.

The Asperger's aficionados are even pushing their own "Aspergers Passport," an orange band you can wear to show support.

Yes, exactly like the yellow LiveStrong bracelet. You see, equating their struggle with that of cancer survivors is the kind of "this has to be a mental illness" assholism that marks the Asperger's sufferer.

In fact, as stated on's mission statement, this crippling (and easily self-diagnosed) condition actually makes the sufferer better than you. Their checklist of nerd delusion identifies Aspergia as:

a) a superpower

b) a mutation

c) the next stage in human evolution

d) the legacy of a lost utopian civilization

Actual Asperger's sufferer.

We only wish we were kidding about that last one. Presumably in this Aspergian wonderland the faucets ran with Mountain Dew and there were infinite moms who cooked infinite dinners who never ever sobbed in private. It isn't explicitly stated that females in this land were impressed by knowledge of Star Trek episodes rather than physical prowess, but it's pretty heavily implied.


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Date: 18 Dec 2008 | Author: mesmerX | Category: News, Pictures | Views: 13995

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Comments: 28

Honestly, im all for that lobster thing. They're boiled alive. So imagine what that feels like.

Chris Marsh
Way to go mom of an aspie. You must be diagnosed or you are not an Aspie. You might be a redneck... in Jeff Foxworthy's opinion, but it doesn't make you a redneck.

You either are or you aren't and if you are a psychologist has to diagnose you. And preferably the test can be confirmed by repeating it.

In my case, three tests confirmed the same answer.

Marshall University 1996
Marshall University 1997
Maryland Dept Rehab Svcs 1998

I can certify I am an Aspie. I have no health insurance issues, and I received computer training from MD DORS. I even tried to contact EEOC about a suspicious incident in 1997. Neither of those things would have happened without a diagnosis.

Chris Marsh
I want a diet Coke faucet and so does my girlfriend

Chris Marsh
My diagnosis only cost me $50, and it was conducted twice by my graduate school, with the same result that I had Asperger.

The third diagnosis was free by the State of Maryland, and it confirmed the other two diagnoses.

"I can't afford a diagnosis."

What I have read from them suggests they are afraid to have Asperger on paper because then they will be oppressed by government, insurance companies, etc.

I tell them they will have no rights to legal protection under Americans with Disabilities Act and no rights to rehabilitation training and SSDI/SSI and possibly less or no rights to other supports like Food Stamps, Medicaid, family aid, etc. if they have no diagnosis.

I got my computer training from the Maryland Department of Rehabilitation Services. It was the equivalent of a full semester plus on a college campus (22 hours, actually residing on the grounds of Maryland Rehabilitation Center, and local community college faculty came on the grounds to teach.) It went on 6 months.

Chris Marsh
I am not impressed. I am age 41, a Web developer, with a Master's in sociology, perhaps close to getting married, and with Asperger.

I have been nearly continuously employed in career level jobs except for time in computer school, with steadily increasing salary from the mid twenties to the low sixties, since 1998.

Lazy is not what would describe me. I am honest, respectful, and never quit. Asperger doesn't really even bother me, sleep apnea does. I need a machine to help me breathe at night and I also take the same medicine Canadian troops took in combat in Desert Storm to heighten my alertness when sleep deprived (@ 200mg/day, although the troops probably took much higher doses : the same would be given to Obama in a crisis to keep him awake for days).

I am annoyed by the joking and laughter of colleagues goofing off when I am trying to concentrate, I also don't like shrill sounds, but I don't find other stimuli bothersome, like florescent lights.

Are Aspies superior? Depends. Some, like those in my extended family, seem to have gifts in mathematics, science, computers, and also in foreign language and music. Maybe Asperger is genetically correlated with academic intelligence, although there are Aspies without such gifts, too.

Don't paint everyone with the same brush we are all different, even among Aspies.

Total loser marks for including aspergers there. What the hell ? Are you some dipshit Jock with an inferiority complex? Try experiencing life with some of the qualities involved with Aspergers. Every group of people ahd a buch in it who need to feel superior...try the Catholic Church for example. or people who can affford armani suits...or people who do not drive Volvos...or people who think they are 'not lazy'...

The fact that there is a group of people who identify as having Aspergers want to feel superior is no need to denigrate people with Aspergers.

Lame lame lame.

I am in the middle of a neuropsychological evalutation and the doctor said she thinks I have aspergers syndrome. When I had jobs I worked hard. Lazy is not a word that discribes me. I do feel awkward in social situations and have been reading books about body language. I try to be better at my weaknesses. You insult people with Aspergers syndrome and do not ask what is like to be in our shoes. We all have strengths and weaknesses, who are you to insult us because you are what is defined as normal?

Odd One
Number 5 should have been those dumbass Scientologists that went to Haiti, and all they took was money, thinking there would be stores where they could buy medical necessities. The only thing they managed to do was scare the locals and piss off the actual support/relief groups.

I actually like the article and I have AS. I know it's directed at the ones who self diagnose and use it as an excuse as a cop out. It pisses me off. Of course I know some real aspies use theirs as an excuse and refuse to take responsibility. Other than that it was not directed at me or at any other aspies.

They seem to be implying that you either have to consider yourself to be "suffering from" Asperger's and hate it and want to be rid of it and make your number one goal to be as normal as possible... or else you're an asshole who doesn't have Asperger's at all.

So, let's see, it isn't a legitimate option to decide you don't mind being autistic? Because, of course, it's absolutely illogical to decide you like who you are. And nobody ever decides that they prefer to be themselves to spending their lives in painful imitation of the typical.

'Cause yeah, AS is a disability, but it's also a huge part of who you are. AS means you learn how not to accidentally insult people the same way other kids might learn to do math; it's just one of the skills you need to pick up because it's useful. And I'll let you into a secret: People with AS are about five times as likely to accidentally insult themselves as they are to accidentally hurt somebody else. It's not an excuse to be an asshole, and we know it. Nor, for that matter, does it make you any good at being one.

I have autism and 2 friends with AS. Our diagnosis's are NOT an excuse to not try and better ourselves and we try Alo I have NEVER concidered myself better then anyone. I am autistuc and I am not a shame but I am not better then anyone

I wish the 75% (or maybe more) undiagnosed retards who fill Asperger's and autism groups with their self-interested, whining, me-too gibberish would all fuck off and get diagnosed with whatever it is that does actually ail them.

And they have already started typing "but I can't afford a diagnosis...", or some other whining, self-interested shit excuse.

I couldn't tell you if I have Asperger's syndrome for sure, but I have quite a few of the traits. No, damnit, I didn't just self diagnose to look cool. I can't fucking drive an automobile because of the sensory overloads. Is that real enough for your liking?

I have no problem with people treating it as a difference to be proud of rather than a sickness. It does, for many, come with strengths as well as weaknesses. Why shouldn't they be proud of those strengths?? I'm not saying that Asperger's is great and anyone who has it is superior. I'm saying that for people who have it mildly, the good sides may balance out the bad sides, making it just another set of strengths and weaknesses, rather than a 'disorder'.

Why is there no attribution on this? I want to talk to the author.

I think you need to seriously rewrite the part on Asperger's. I can see what you're saying about 'aspie superiority' or whatever, but the article is confusing and it seems like you are being massively insulting to real AS sufferers who hold more moderate views. We are not all lazy dicks who feel superior to Neurotypicals.

wassat breaking news flash we are all different i named my syndrome/disease/disorder oh correction my parents did and it is my given name tongue and to make me better than you arrogant asspeas im not aware of anyone with my syndrome/disease/disorder

Not Typical anymore
I don't know who wrote this article, but you are a retard, who does not get their facts straight. Making articles like this, and being assholes, will only bring rampaged violence. You Neuro Typicals are truly the only retards on this planet, because you only bring violence onto yourself by being such assholes. I never asked to be diagnosed, but its "Neurological Typicals" who made the diagnosis on me, and are the ones that make others known with Aspergers. Bill Gates denies having it, and he makes billions, more then you ever will. The reality is an Aspie never will take a Neuro Typical's job. Those websites you got pissed off about are the result of public school being hell enough getting through it as it is, being both labeled by the school as special needs, and mistreated by other kids because the victim of Asperger's suffers from severe brain lag. So its not like I am going to be going around promoting myself that I have Aspergers. Having it is hell, show some respect, you God damn puke. I also noticed you, the author does not have the balls to leave your own name, good thing too, because you know you just ended your life with this article right here.

an educated person
so youre saying instead of being proud that were superior we have to hide our faces in shame

mom of an aspie
My son has Asperger's. Yes, he is diagnosed by actual doctors, not Wikipedia.

I'm the first to admit I always thought most "syndromes" were total garbage, and still think that about a lot of them.

I don't care a whole lot for the 'pride' type movements of autism disorders. I am proud of who my son is, and how hard he works for things that come naturally to others. I am not proud that he has an autism disorder.

Far too many people get online and read a list of symptoms, and say, "Oh, gee, I feel like that - I have Aspergers!" If you diagnosed yourself - it doesn't count.

Movements like that one only serve to increase the amount of people who think it's all made up. That it's all an excuse. If you really truly have a diagnosable syndrome, it is something you have to learn to live with and adjust your life to. It is not some little 'club' that you are happy and proud to belong to.

Asperger's is a whole lot more than geeky teenagers who don't fit in with the popular kids deciding that their particular clique has a name.

actually were both wink

that was hilarious. love it when the aspies get annoyed. they think they are brilliant but really are just weird.

someone who actually matters
typical neuro typical troll nazi who has nothing else to do with his pathetic life than insult those superior to him. what have you got against aspies , is it that your penis is a feto meter long, did you get raped in prison? its true i am superior to neuro typicals, but i wouldnt value myself over the life of the lobster you insult, but neuro typicals dont deserve life. i mean all neuro typicals are good for is fucking, killing and eating. and that image of that black lobster is an analogy of your intelligence and your pathetic life.

i have encountered many racist american christians such as yourself before, and let me say i dont rate you highly at all i'd say about 3 and a half swastikas. not bad but you could make an attempt to contradict our logic with flaud logic

Another thing I'd like to add: I think a lot of the more radical "proud aspies" are teenagers. Teens in general tend to think it's all about them and that they're entitled to everything, regardless of what they are or aren't diagnosed with. Heck, I had a bit of that myself. I'm not saying that all teenagers are like this, just like I wouldn't suggest that all people with Asperger's are good at science (I sure as hell am not). But it's certainly a strong correalation.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's back in the mid-90s, when it was still a pretty obscure diagnosis. And yes, I'm part of the movement, but it's not because I want everything handed to me on a silver platter. All I'm asking for is a little respect and understanding.

No, I don't want to get money from the government or to live off my family for the rest of my life. I'm just asking that when I go for a job interview, that you don't automatically assume I'm nervous or uninterested because of the way I stare, sit, or talk. Judge me by my qualifications, not my body language. And understand that what's "common sense" to most people may not be to me, that I might sometimes need things explained a little differently.

Also, I don't want a free pass to ramble endlessly about my interests. But I do wish for you to respect that these interests aren't going to go away, and that there is nothing wrong with having them. And if I point out an obscure bit of trivia, it's not to impress anyone - it's just something that interests me and that I think might interest you. If it doesn't, I apologize.

The bottom line is that it's all about give and take. I'll try my best to respect what makes you (un)comfortable and adapt to your communication style if you do the same for me.

And for the record, I do not think that I am better than everyone else, but I am not any worse either. Those of you who are saying that AS isn't that severe are missing the point - that's exactly what the movement is trying to say. We're not better or worse, just different, and we don't need to be "cured". Yes, I know there are some radicals out there, and they frustrate me too, but if you look for the forest through the trees you will see a lot of people who are only asking for a little respect.

I have AS. Whoever wrote the entry on Aspergers is a giant tool. I have met about 70 aspergers people and 3 autistics through groups, and they all rock!

an educated person.
yay more intolerance, this really helps!!
has the author read any genuine source on Aspergers..? or just another "mouthy" american.. meh

aj's mom
my son has aspergers ( and was diagnosed by two qualified doctors) and while i think that the movement is kind of silly, the disorder is a hige barrier for a little kid. If not handled properly it can become an even bigger problem in adulthood.

A Person
I actually do suffer from Asperger's syndrome (I do have the diagnosis) and I have to say - The Aspergian pride movement is pretty sad. It's just a small disorder. It isn't like having cancer. It's closer to being annoyed by people that rub their hands together.

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