As videogames finally penetrate demographics many thought impossible to crack, there remains one sect of people who continue to shun this incredibly successful media format. A demographic so important to the vitality of the American economy that videogame companies are now scrambling to accommodate them: the elderly.

This mysterious group of people has for years turned up their noses to technology, and videogames, in their pursuit to turn Andy Griffith into a god. But all that is about to change, as we announce a new series of videogames aimed at this group of strange, yet important, people. We introduce to you: Seven Future Videogames for the Elderly.


1: The Heavy Trouser Trainer

Unfortunately, as we age our bowels tend to develop a mind of their own, often deciding to empty at the most inconvenient of times.

The Heavy Trouser Trainer places these geriatric crappers in common situations where they might soil themselves.

It then forces them to make quick decisions regarding how they will not only cover up the dump, but finish doing whatever task in which they were previously engaged.

Ungovernable bowel situations include: riding up 20 stories in a packed elevator, swimming in a public pool, participating in a game of elderly musical chairs, and many more.


2: Granny Tourismo

Senior citizens, we're on your side--everyone driving under the age of 60 is a reckless, out-of-control, killing machine, and it's about time someone reminded these suicidal maniacs how to truly operate an automobile.

The object of Granny Tourismo is to properly demonstrate the safest, most tempered driving method to the largest amount of people possible.

And that shouldn't be a problem since your method of driving 20 mph below speed limit does seem to attract lines of cars.


3: My Bed Is Wherever I Choose

Introducing My Bed Is Wherever I Choose, a game that not only supports the anywhere sleeper, it encourages it.

Once a level starts, you'll simply be asked to fall asleep (assuming you haven't already).

The game will then attempt to wake you up using different elements from each locale.

Maybe a nosey preacher will make an embarrassing quip about you during a church service nap.

Perhaps during a road-trip, an annoying grandchild will nudge you as you catch up on a few winks while driving.

Whatever the case may be, you'll be rewarded points for the amount of agitation you can withstand, ultimately strengthening your ability to endure even the most stubborn real-world awakeners.


4: The Buffet Battle

In The Buffet Battle, you'll play as a geriatric group of daily Old Country Buffet (OCB) patrons, who are attempting to lay claim to all of the smorgasbords in Winter Haven, Florida.

Playing as this elderly gang, you will engage in consumption battles with other local senior syndicates that are also attempting to mark their smorgasbord turf.


5: Yes, That's an Interesting Story

This title precisely records your undoubtedly amazing tale, and then through seemingly futuristic electronic means, determines the caliber of your cleverly-told tale and displays the outcome through the reactions of simulated listeners.

No longer will you see yawns as you describe how your old neighbor Margaret stole 3 heads of cabbage from you during the cabbage famine of '29.

No longer will people roll their eyes as you detail how you single-handedly fought back the Nazis during the highly-secretive World War III.

6: The Pill Consumption Simulator

The simulator mixes each day's prescribed pills up with the pills to be taken on other days, and then forces you to choose the correct medicine based on your knowledge of its color, size, and shape.

If you've taken the correct medication get ready for a fun day of swimming with the grandkids.

But, if you've chosen wrong, be prepared for running naked down the freeway, or throwing your dung at the rest-home orderlies as they attempt to sedate you.


7: Ruffian Reckoning

In this game, you take control of Delmar, a retired mailman who sits all day in the bay window of his gated retirement home waiting for someone under twenty to either walk by wearing bright clothing or to accidentally drop a Frisbee in his perfectly-groomed, retirement-community yard.

Once this happens, you'll climb out of your posturepedic lazy-boy, grab your berating cane, and head for the front door.

Then, assuming you've reached it in time, you'll toss open said door and let the pre-World War II obscenities fly. Hopefully, you'll make ole Eisenhower proud.


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Date: 8 Oct 2008 | Author: mesmerX | Category: News, Pictures | Views: 6489

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