What's up with all the damn old people?

As the baby boomers get older and start collecting Social Security checks to prevent from starving to death, us young people are having to change our lives to help all the seniors adapt to the 2000's. But those decaying fogies aren't holding up their end of the bargain- instead of just getting used to the way the world works nowadays, they are resisting and creating problems for everyone. The good news is that, well, they are old, so they aren't going to revolt anytime soon (but they will wake up before us!) Drokk has compiled a list of all of the things old people would destroy in our modern world... if they could.

 

1. Young People

We could sit here and name 50 or even a 100 different items that old people would destroy if they could, but what is the real problem? Most old people think that it is the young people who are causing all problems. If they could find some way to form an island prison where all those under 25 could go, then their utopia would be formed. They forget how they were treated when their parents said, “ The Fonz is a bad influence” or that “ they could not wear a skirt above their ankles.” Hopefully we will learn from their mistakes. Change is good.

 

2. Rap Music

This is yet another piece of our culture that brings the elderly populace together from coast-to-coast and gives them something to talk about after Matlock. If the words are not sung in a “rat-pack, schooner” medley or there are any digital beats, it must be banned from all radio and sales racks. Plus, most old people aren't very trustworthy of black people (not racist, necessarily, just old fashioned).

 

3. Speed Limit Minimums

It was once said by a president of a motor company in the early 1900’s that automobiles are unsafe in excess of 15 miles per hour. It is sad to say, my elderly people still adhere to this claim. They insist on driving well under the minimum speed limit because it is the only way they feel safe. Just remember, if you ever have to be somewhere, that day, do not let Aunt Mable drive.

 

 

4. Candies That Don't Have "Twisty-End" Wrappers

You might know these candies by some other names such as: “ What is this crap?” or “This tastes like cough medicine!” or maybe “I think I chipped a molar”. Whatever it goes by in your house, we all know that old people love those nasty little hard candies that litter the streets the day after Halloween. Next time you are offered one, just say "No thanks I am diabetic." And if they say they are sugarless, then just point over their shoulder and say “Beets, half-price!” and run. If the old person in question is using a walker, kick one of the tennis balls impaled to the bottom of one of its legs. This will either cause a disasterous loss of balance, or at least a frustrating distraction.

 

 

5. Saggy Pants (And the punks that wear them)

This 104 year old Beijing man suffered a massive heart attack after we asked him how he felt about kids who wear saggy pants.

This is one of a few things that bridges the gap between elderly worldwide. Whether you are a young 52 years old or approaching the century mark, Black, White or Asian, man or woman, there is not much more that gets your pace-maker working then a “young punk with his pants down so you can see his britches.” Actually, 37% of heart attacks in the 55 and older demographic in 2006 were related to angry rants from “sagging long pants”. It is possible that their hatred for saggy pants could be related to jealousy- after all, who wants to see grandpa's adult diaper?

 

 

6. Furniture That Doesn't Come With Removable Protective Plastic

Old folks seem to find it absolutely mind-boggling that there are people out there that do not want the option of covering your furniture with a protective shield, so that no stains could come in contact with the fabric. Also, who doesn't love that sound that plastic covers make when you move or even breathe? All other furniture is just un-neccesary and must be burned. Editors Note: Your old person at home may not refer to furniture by it's common name. Be wary that a "couch" may become a "davenport" or "sofa", and a "chair" may become a "loveseat" or "where grandpa died."

 

 

7. Telephone Books

This one may come as a shocker to some of you, but it is quite true. “In my day, we did not have phone books, I could just call the operator and say, put me through to Johnson’s drug store,” Mr. Oldman Shitmypants will inevitably say. Part of the elderly's hatred for phone books comes from difficulty reading and using the Yellow Pages. You see, they are not used to thinking logically- they look up titles such as “stewed prunes salesmen”, instead of grocers. Hilarity and frustration ensue.

 

 

8. Blogs and Online Networking Sites (Myspace, Facebook, etc.)

Never let an old person catch you on one of these sites. But if our warning is too late and you have already been caught, make sure you have your stealthy iPod-buds handy- because a 16 hour lecture about how you could get raped over the internet is surely coming. Most elderly will also mention how all your bank information is now on out there for the whole world to use, and that everytime you log on, the government is recording every keystroke on your typewriter... I mean keybox... keypad... OKAY KEYBOARD WHATEVER FUCK YOU HOOLIGAN IT'S NOT THE POINT. I'm so old, so old, blah blah blah

 

 

9. Small Print Playing Cards/ Hard To Read Slot Machines

Are these big enough for you, you blind fuck?

If you have ever played poker, black jack, or another card game at a casino, the chances are pretty good (well over 100%) that you have played with a person over 70 who demanded that the current cards be traded for some with larger print. Perhaps even Mr. Grandpa Bifocals asked for even larger, non-regulation sized playing cards (as pictured above). Also, slot machines with small or even average graphics are far too small and are insufficient. How will you know how many nickels to bet if you can't even distinguish the cherries from the diamonds? Thus, both the small print cards and slot machines must be destroyed for the greater good for geriatric-kind.

 

10. Shoes With Laces

The horrific genocide of hundreds of helpless laced shoes

If you have not noticed, old people love “Velcro” and slip-on shoes. In their eyes, both are right up there with Tom Jones and McDonalds' senior coffee discount in terms of affection. Shoes with laces are hard to tie and un-tie and, in most cases, prevent the “slide/shuffle” action, which was made famous by the elderly. Also, slip-on shoes are easy to kick off when neccesary, allowing some fresh air for their decomposing feet during extended BINGO sessions.

 

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Source: http://arabianmonkey.com


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Date: 11 Sep 2008 | Author: mesmerX | Category: News | Views: 5213

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Comments: 3

Guest
laughing angry wink wassat laughing sad angry crying

Rie,
yawn, nothing new here then. I wonder what changes your grandchildren will make? If we haven't all been blown up by then,

sombody crazy
dont really get itwassat

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